Moods cold like the winters, layering frost over eyesight. An honest truth, we see ourselves in how we think others see us.
|Ralphie from "A Christmas Story."|
The self is the worst enemy. I'm very hard on myself.
Lately I've had a slight fog of depression clouding above. The conditions press me down. I keep hearing whispers of "Your ship will come in" and "Don't lose faith."
While it is nice to feel supported, I still feel horrid that I haven't accomplished my goals. On top of that realization is the observance of others having their dreams come true.
Deep down I know things come easier for some for a multitude of reasons. I would never take away someone's victory of success. There is defeating sensation that I can't attain a similar victory.
The real failure is that I allow the decreasing sense of my own talent. I rain on my own parade. Thoughts that shower down are I shouldn't bother or that it just won't happen for me.
No one can say the lack of winning is for a lack of trying. Being a hard worker is a strong suit of mine. I've always struggled with math.
In eighth grade I was assigned the dreaded Mr. Bitasche. Students despised the frumpy guy with weird curly untamed hair. His demeanor was not unruly like his mane.
By the books and strict with a personality of a wall. The nickname bestowed upon him was 'Mr. Bite Ass.'
His math class was hell. The chalky residue on fingers from all the equations the class had to solve.
Those with a lower level of math aptitude felt on the spot and stupid. Especially when chalky hand prints showed up on the back of dark colored pants.
Even though I had a rough teacher and lack of mathematical genius, I still managed to try my best. Mr. Bitasche took me aside on the last day of eighth grade to tell me I passed, barely.
He said "You are a very conscientious student and young lady." Then he gave me an innocent pat on the hand. I never forgot what he said. When I feel the world is against me or feel like a failure I remember the praise.
The inclination that strikes me is not what a person did or said but how they made me feel. The notion sticks with me when I feel slighted or tossed aside.
Then it hits me like an icy snowball in the eye. I should care less how I think people see me and more work on how I see myself.