Sunday, November 18, 2012 Mrs. Destiny by Karen Pilarski

I remembered the move Mr. Destiny with James Belushi from the 80's. It was a guy who had it all but didn't know it at the time. He got a chance in the form of Micheal Caine as a bartender to revisit the crucial moment that could have changed everything. In a zap he was a baseball star and had Renee Russo as a wife. As far as I know I never had that one crucial moment. There have been opportunities or paths I didn't take. Never have I ever looked back and wished I could change the events from the past. Until now. The best times in life can be the most stressful. Think about getting married or having a baby. So much planning and preparing goes into it. I'm about to graduate with a Master's degree. Instead of being overjoyed, I'm terrified and sad. I was never scared when I graduated with my BA degree or when I turned 30. Nor was I petrified when I got married and became a step parent. Like the main character from that movie, I feel something is missing.

Often I daydream about traveling the world or living in New York as a writer. I'm sure there are people doing these things now that wish they had a simple and easy life. I know there others that are sick, struggling, dying. I know people who lost their jobs, dealing with cancer, losing something valuable.

I graduate next month. Then what? I know in my heart I can't stay in the same place. Although I'm very happy to have a job, I feel I could be doing more than being a secretary. I can't wait for the perfect circumstances to sprinkle from the sky. I doubt some angel in disguise will let me redo something or lead me to my ideal life. The meaning of Mr. Destiny was to appreciate what you have. I do. I should be over the moon happy. I can't let my own fears of not finding the perfect job or not making enough money bring me down.

What I want changes more time then the weather. I wanted a baby. That didn't happen and now I've given up. I wanted to be a famous writer, but that hasn't happened and I got discouraged. I wanted to marry Brad Pitt, but he has millions of kids. At times I don't like various aspects of my life. Who do I blame for my challenges? Everyone else. In reality the only person in charge of my own destiny is me. I need to take this crucial moment and make the change I want to see.

Web of Eyes by Karen Pilarski

A web of lies
Decorated, woven silky lines
Spun and stretched up high
Arched the eyebrow to deflect and defy
Used color lenses to add to the disguise
The spinner, coward hides truth inside
Although not as cleverly as she may find
The heart and eyes don't lie
Just I. 

The Luster

I walked into my apartment tonight. Same familiarity welcomed me as I opened the door. My husband's pillow folded over like he always does when he takes a nap while I'm at work. Turned on the tv for some white noise. ESPN blaring startled me from my calm state. After eating some pasta I opened the freezer. There was some ice cream that was recently purchased. I had a slight premonition. I bet Mr. Pilarski made tracks with a spoon in the carton. Slowly opened the lid. A brief minute of excitement came over me. Ta Da! Tracks!!!

Sometimes I wish it wasn't the same thing everyday. Work, dance, homework, shower, sleep. My mind sometimes wonders away from the confines of the cluttered apartment and life. No dirty dishes in the sink, tangled game controllers abandoned on the floor. No half eaten P&B sandwich now stale and sticking to a plate on the coffee table. On occasion my mind escapes to New York or a place where there aren't so many complications or issues. Maybe I wish for more excitement than seeing if there are grooves in an ice cream container. My gal pal and I secretly joke about mind cheating with other people (like a celebrity or some random person we think is cute). I don't think it is about a lackluster 'love' life. I'm content with the luster. I would never cheat on my husband in reality. Could it be I miss being impulsive? I yearn for a spark of unpredictability in my mundane day. To some, they crave some state of stability. Other women could be out there wishing their significant other would commit to them or maybe they are too scared to make a move on someone.

When I first met my husband I was a college student. I thought he looked handsome in his uniform. Tousled brown hair and a sweaty upper lip. When I would hear his keys on his duty belt down the hall, I swear my heart skipped a beat. I was involved in a messy, rocky and toxic thing that sort of resembled a relationship. I longed for a sense of stability and wanted someone that would be loyal. One day after work I made a move. I'm known to be slightly impatient and I was sick of just being a girl with a crush. I'm not really the assertive type but in that moment I was. Maybe I miss that feeling. That all or nothing, do or die feeling.

 Almost 5 years into this marriage, I still secretly think some of his quirks are cute. I mask it by complaining to him. I find it cute when he scratches his face with the other end of the fork. I think it is funny when he leaves a folded over pillow on the couch. I like to call this the 'trail.' I know exactly what he did most of the day.

I love when I find peppermint patties in the fridge because he knows I love them chilled. I love when he pulls me close to him in the middle of the night. I love all these things and would be heartbroken if they ever went away. I may have to turn in my wife card by admitting I may 'check out' by day dreaming about being somewhere else or with someone else every now and again. I know I never would be as happy as I am with my husband.

Tonight while watching my recorded shows I had a thought. What if suddenly there were no more spoon tracks in the ice cream or empty water bottles places around the apartment? What if there was no ESPN blaring to remind me my husband was home? I put the lid back on the ice cream and placed it back in the freezer. Then cuddled up with the folded pillow and wished it was Midnight and he would be off of work.