Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Luster

I walked into my apartment tonight. Same familiarity welcomed me as I opened the door. My husband's pillow folded over like he always does when he takes a nap while I'm at work. Turned on the tv for some white noise. ESPN blaring startled me from my calm state. After eating some pasta I opened the freezer. There was some ice cream that was recently purchased. I had a slight premonition. I bet Mr. Pilarski made tracks with a spoon in the carton. Slowly opened the lid. A brief minute of excitement came over me. Ta Da! Tracks!!!

Sometimes I wish it wasn't the same thing everyday. Work, dance, homework, shower, sleep. My mind sometimes wonders away from the confines of the cluttered apartment and life. No dirty dishes in the sink, tangled game controllers abandoned on the floor. No half eaten P&B sandwich now stale and sticking to a plate on the coffee table. On occasion my mind escapes to New York or a place where there aren't so many complications or issues. Maybe I wish for more excitement than seeing if there are grooves in an ice cream container. My gal pal and I secretly joke about mind cheating with other people (like a celebrity or some random person we think is cute). I don't think it is about a lackluster 'love' life. I'm content with the luster. I would never cheat on my husband in reality. Could it be I miss being impulsive? I yearn for a spark of unpredictability in my mundane day. To some, they crave some state of stability. Other women could be out there wishing their significant other would commit to them or maybe they are too scared to make a move on someone.

When I first met my husband I was a college student. I thought he looked handsome in his uniform. Tousled brown hair and a sweaty upper lip. When I would hear his keys on his duty belt down the hall, I swear my heart skipped a beat. I was involved in a messy, rocky and toxic thing that sort of resembled a relationship. I longed for a sense of stability and wanted someone that would be loyal. One day after work I made a move. I'm known to be slightly impatient and I was sick of just being a girl with a crush. I'm not really the assertive type but in that moment I was. Maybe I miss that feeling. That all or nothing, do or die feeling.

 Almost 5 years into this marriage, I still secretly think some of his quirks are cute. I mask it by complaining to him. I find it cute when he scratches his face with the other end of the fork. I think it is funny when he leaves a folded over pillow on the couch. I like to call this the 'trail.' I know exactly what he did most of the day.

I love when I find peppermint patties in the fridge because he knows I love them chilled. I love when he pulls me close to him in the middle of the night. I love all these things and would be heartbroken if they ever went away. I may have to turn in my wife card by admitting I may 'check out' by day dreaming about being somewhere else or with someone else every now and again. I know I never would be as happy as I am with my husband.

Tonight while watching my recorded shows I had a thought. What if suddenly there were no more spoon tracks in the ice cream or empty water bottles places around the apartment? What if there was no ESPN blaring to remind me my husband was home? I put the lid back on the ice cream and placed it back in the freezer. Then cuddled up with the folded pillow and wished it was Midnight and he would be off of work.