Last night I didn't get much shut eye. I was anxious about a few new developments in the sordid saga called my life. I'm not sure if it was a lack of sleep or other mitigating factors that caused the sullen mood.
Today my frame of mind was fuzzy.
My thinking and reasoning seemed convoluted as if I was held underwater for long durations.
Somewhere in the span of time emotions mixed like paint. A hue of blue to symbolize sadness and despair. Five years of understanding, love, adversity and comfort blended and intertwined with new shades that seeped in. Emerald green of envy took over. Jealousy over situations beyond my control and in my control. A speck of brown to highlight guilt over bottled up feelings. In my lifetime I have never felt as jealous and corked as I do right now. Shame beats my head against the wall until bruised and bloodied.
Kermit the Frog sang "Bein' Green." After thirty-four years I finally understand the song's deeper meaning. It is hard to be heard when your personality is camouflaged in the backdrop. When not heard it is easy to feel jealous or 'green.' There needs to be contentment with yourself to be happy. To be perfectly honest I have felt 'green' for awhile.
The silliness of my shyness and timid nature annoys even myself. I wish my color was outlandish and screamed to be noticed. My gentle manner won't allow me the delicious freedom. Possibly it is my conscience producing a head splitting migraine when wanting to swerve off course. Although not a a hint of sainthood, I attempt to walk a straight line at the current moment of time. To be honest, I rather stumble and fall over than keep on marching to the same tune.
While feeling jealous over what I want and can't have somehow melted in with feelings of loneliness and isolation. Not fully leafy green or blue like the skies it appeared turquoise. It is a tricky shade to define. However, it is more blue than green.
There seems to be a richer stain of angst than actual envy. The somber mood dictates and controls moods and feelings. To get at the root there needs to be peeling back the coats of paint to get at the truth.
If you ever closely inspect a turquoise stone you will find an oddly shaped item. There are green splotches and black lines invading and bleeding through the creases. The stone has seen some wear within the elements. The stone seems to represent the state I linger in.
I try to be my own person and honoring individuality. I'm generally happy for people I care about. However, I am human and have moments of the green eyed monster. The black lines are the battle scars when trying to raise above the jealousy.
The weathered stone is emotions and experiences that changed the size and shape of my heart. Indents of green are the effects of waves of jealousy that came crashing though leaving residue of the occurrence. While the stone is disfigured and flawed, it is still beautiful in it's own right.Truthfully there are things I need to work out, but it doesn't distract from the beauty others see in me. Nor the beauty I see within myself. Flaws and all.