Sunday, June 8, 2014

Too Late To Apologize By: Karen Pilarski

Has your throat ever throbbed from the scorching words said? The mere glance at the person turns the stomach. The single last tear drips down the flushed cheek.

 Using salty language, you swear never to speak to the other person ever again.

There are many times when anger tightens within puffed out chests, That is when thorny things are said. More often than not we don't really mean those words.

The heat of the moment soon calms and both parties apologize. Someone is the bigger person eventually.

However, there are people who continue to hurt and create havoc.

My mother has been in and out of my life since my parents divorced. She left my father for another man. Don't feel too sorry for dear old pop. He was emotionally abusive and neglectful. Mom found a man who was worse than my dad. The man was both physically and emotionally abusive.

At the time I was a senior in high school and had several younger siblings. The youngest was my five year old sister *Holly. Our mother wanted the younger ones to be put in foster homes. My dad couldn't take care of them.

Since Holly was a baby, I took care of her. I made sure she was fed and bathed. I even brought her to my cheerleading practices. The thought of losing her was unbearable. I knew how Milwaukee foster care system worked. It didn't work.

I spent 18 years with all these siblings and didn't want us to be split up.

My older sister *Leah and I ended up taking care of the younger ones. I put college on hold and lost a few relationships over it.

Eventually I decided to go to college.

 My oldest sister has serious mental issues. Knowing Holly was under her care was difficult.

*Holly and my stepdaughter Mia on her back.
What hurt so much was Leah used Holly as a pawn. She refused to let anyone see her. She stole from me, she betrayed another sister. Never once did our mother or father attempt to intervene.

As the younger ones grew up the older siblings took turns caring for them.

Eventually my twin brother took custody of Holly until she was an adult.

My twin was getting married and because my mom wasn't the first to know, she refused to go. She never really got to know any of her grandchildren.

Mom has drifted in and out of all our lives. Her boyfriend always alienates her from everyone and stirs the pot. Without warning she falls off the face of the earth for awhile. My dad's mental and physical health has declined in the years that have passed.

She managed to be in my life when I got married. That was around the time my beloved aunt passed away. When my aunt died, she suddenly wanted her children around. She wanted to be a grandma.

It didn't last long.

When my mom is present in my world, I feel happy. She has maternal guidance and support to give. Many of my other siblings can't bypass all the hurt and drama that comes with her. They keep a safe distance.

Over this past Mother's Day weekend I couldn't make it to dinner with her and my younger sister. I tried calling her but she didn't respond.

For a whole month.

She called the other day when I was out and about. Something seemed odd. She didn't apologize for not calling me back. She asked if I heard anything new. I told her I had to go.

Yesterday I found out she had been trying to reach my other siblings. The 'wanting her children around' feeling had come back. She felt she was getting older and wanted to have a good relationship with all her kids before she died.

 Only they wanted no part of it.

 I feel that way about Leah. She is so toxic and disastrous. I just can't deal with her and her jealous and petty ways anymore. I dealt with it enough growing up and my early adulthood.

It is funny how the ones who want to make amends say "Life is too short." Yes it is. Perhaps that is why the wounded hearts want to go away and heal.

Life is too short to deal with the inconsistency and traumatic episodes.